CVS and WALGREENS Sign Corporate Agreement to Try to Ruin Country

After several weeks of deliberating and meeting with lawyers from both companies, CVS and Walgreens opted out of competition regulations, bypassed a merger plan, and decided together to try to ruin the future of all Americans.

“We realized that instead of our petty and unethical aggressive marketing battles, we could really destroy the whole society if we worked together,” said Eric Morton, merchandise manager at CVS store 2558 in Wisconsin.

“It’s kind of funny,” he said. “We’ve actually already accomplished a lot of that goal already.”

Morton cited examples of closing the pharmacy at one oclock and reopening it precisely after most nearby workers’ lunch break.  “Why are we closed then?” he said. “Because that’s when people need us to be open.”

Many times, if a CVS opened, a Walgreens would build a store right next door, or vice versa.  The company leaders realized if they directed that kind of disrespect more to the customers, it would have a better likelihood of ruining the whole economy.

“Honestly I already felt disrespected by the music,” said Marsha Hoolihan of Massachussetts, who buys her heart medicine from one of the CVS stores near her house.  “I have always wondered how any of the workers can stand listening to people scrogging each other to an electronic beat all day, with screeching electric guitars speeding up sales and making anyone with morals wish they were never born.”

Walgreens managers said they had considered switching stores as employees before, just in case benefits were better or they might not be jerked around by their schedules any more. But they might not need to bother under the new team work vision outlined by the drug store CEOs and stockholders.

“I guess our unified dream now is to actually be the locations in the middle of a burned down wasteland where actual barbaric child sacrifice occurs. Some people already are claiming our morning after pills are part of that effort, but we definitely see much more potential for a horrifyingly bleak landscape of total destruction and devastation.”