After several hundred cops complained about being bored with the “same old tasers and zip ties,” leaders of New York City met last week to discuss the most cost effective yet satisfying ways to harm some of its most vulnerable populations.
Social Workers and Doctors consulted with elected officials to review video footage of arrests and confinement for people suffering from depressions, delusions, and perhaps the most damaging: modern medical treatment.
“We know that many of these people are already in agony,” said Fran Jones, LMSW. “But without much effort at all, we can give someone else a meaningful life by hiring hospital workers to take away any remaining shred of humanity.”
Fran and other hospital workers felt that the psych patients would best be abused in the locked wards of overcrowded mental hospitals, where layers of personel could all benefit from the payments for benefits benefitting the government benefit offices.
But cops argued that the path to solitary confinement and even execution was much more clear if they were allowed to provoke mentally ill people into being suicidal. “Once they are truly hopeless, we can make them scream like animals,” said Louie from the Bronx precinct. “It makes us feel like maybe we are the humans for a change.”
No real solutions were found to the dilemmas tackled by the guardians of civilization, but most authorities walked away with renewed motivation to be more efficient in changing the one in four mentally ill people to two in three electrocuted “some how some way.”
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