Torture Survivor Program announces limit on spaces for Verizon salespeople

A spokesperson for the Bellevue survivors of torture program announced Friday that they are going to have to cap participation of Verizon workers in their protected population category.

“We really can only accommodate ten or fifteen more thousand Verizon workers and then we need to reserve space for immigrants and refugees of similar oppressive regimes,” said Consuelos Jenkins, director of the “unlikely recovery” division.

The torture program began taking in former and even current Verizon workers when Apple rolled out its Iphone 11 combined with deliberately frustrating data plans in 2014.

“Honestly we had never seen anything like it,” said Consuelos.  “We realized we may have to consult with the United Nations to reconsider modern definitions of torture.”

A worker who asked to remain anonymous said that at first he thought he could count the clock like he had at his other retail jobs, and imagine anger fantasies of bad things happening to customers. But he described his workload as becoming unbearable, and found himself screaming “I don’t know,” to people on the street during his walk home from the Upper East Side location of Verizon in Manhattan.

“Is it 128 GB on the SE that comes with unlimited data for 55 dollars more per month and if your friend changes his name on their own friends and family account then what if it doesn’t show up in your contacts when we transfer the data? All I can say is I don’t know.  They want me to tell them it’s free. They want me to say they have an upgrade. But the truth is that they are being charged the full price of a phone and the charger isn’t included.”

Onion reporters brought that same question to a store manager from Ohio and that staff person tried to kill himself.  He is in the hospital being evaluated with twenty other managers and a large group of Kurdish refugees who immediately mistook the Verizon nametags as being symbols of the Taliban.

“All we can say is it is very confusing, and part of life that we don’t understand,” said Consuelos.  “The suffering of these workers is beyond what most people could even imagine, and our program has to recognize its own limitations in confronting the evil powers in this world.”

“Much of the persecution is ingrained into the societies that harbor networks like the Verizon Friends and Family promotion, and you can’t just root it out person by person,” said Bellevue’s corporate liason Martha Hoppins.  “That’s why we stopped asking for donations from some companies and started requesting employee rosters.  “We want to rescue as many people as possible, but some of them can only be found from their phone contacts, which makes this crisis almost as complicated as a verizon wireless data plan.”