Bronx police investigate suspicious part of sidewalk with no trash scattered over it

 Officers from the main Bronx precinct near Parkchester and Pelham Bay areas taped off several blocks of sidewalks and road ditches late Wednesday morning when a floral shop owner called to report a suspicious absence of litter and biohazardous waste.

“There’s no trash on the ground this week,” the shop owner told police, who confirmed the lack of littering as soon as they arrived at the scene.

Up to three large squares of pavement had no dirty cat food, paper bags, used drug needles, empty pill bottles, torn psychiatric notes, or wadded up hairnets within several feet in all directions.

“Has someone actually swept this area?” asked deputy George Kafafenstern, walking almost ten yards to kick a beer can into the dirt next to the nearest pile of tires and plastic bottles.

“Maybe it’s because the liberals outlawed plastic straws,” said the florist’s neighbor, who at first was worried that the cops suspected him of some of his actual illegal habits.

“I doubt it,” said Kafafenstern. “That’s as likely as if people had actually walked by without littering. Kafafenstern has ordered a review of video footage so see if adopt-a-highway volunteers somehow found themselves in the wrong neighborhood, or if the waste management company hired overachieving illegal immigrants.

“There has to be an explanation,” he said. Trash doesn’t pick up itself, and that’s why the streets look like they do in the first place.”